can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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