my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
