I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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