i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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