hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
