my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
