i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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