you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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