I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
