saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
