The maid of honor just puked.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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