Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
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