The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
The Olympian is in my bed
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
