wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
