saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
