Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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