Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
How naked do you want me to be?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
