She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
