I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
