it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
