I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
