I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
