He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
