Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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