Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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