My balls are so social today.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
