end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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