mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Randomize
