You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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