my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
