I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
