You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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