How'd it feel making her break her religion?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
