Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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