Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
