She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
