highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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