u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
