well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
