I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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