I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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