so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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