It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
