I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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