if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
