I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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