considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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