I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
