hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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