Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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